MM: The Guilty Worry

December 8, 2016

Mel’s Meandering: The Guilty Worry

Many of you know that I had a kid in September. I call him a kid because he was never the tiny blob that babies usually are. He was 16 days late and weighed in at 9lbs 6oz. He has had very good neck control since the beginning and has always had a grumpy face whenever he is put down. Thus, never a “baby” baby in my eyes but rather, a little man with his own attitude – I’m in for a heap of trouble.

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There was a long period in my life when I didn’t want kids. My husband and I were happy, we felt that life was complete, we had our own interests, and never felt guilty doing what we wanted nor when we wanted to do them. Then I got older….and started thinking…and started wondering…and realized I was scared. Scared of having a child.

So I started thinking some more. Will I let my fear of having a child stop me from having a kid and miss out on all the wonderful things that parenthood might bring? For a long time, the answer was a resounding YES. I was terrified. Then I grew older, maybe just a little bit wiser, more secure in my career, and switched to a clinic where I felt supported. I settled more and more into myself and more and more into realizing that having a baby wouldn’t be the end of the world…just maybe it would be okay.

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I have to admit that I was very fortunate in my pregnancy. With the exception of numerous migraines at the beginning, I had very few complications and worries. My Midwives were happy, my baby was happy, and I was happy. I was allowed to continue working out as long as I didn’t push too hard and I felt comfortable. I was at the gym until I was 41 weeks pregnant and only stopped because I didn’t feel like squats were comfortable anymore.

My labor process however….that was another story. The kid just didn’t want to come out. He liked his room too much! We tried everything non-medical we could think of. So, at 42 + 1, I felt I had had enough. I asked for a medical induction. It didn’t go so well. My body started rejecting the induction which forced me back to the hospital where I was admitted.

I was given narcotics to help my CNS recover and to decrease the pain, I was put on an oxytocin drip and given an epidural. This was not my birth plan, but I accepted it. That’s the thing with pregnancy and birth – you never know what is going to happen. You come into the process saying, I want A; if A can’t happen, I want B; if B can’t happen, I will settle for C. It’s never fun having to admit that your body has failed you, or rather, that you have failed your body, but it happens and plan A may need to be changed to plan B. In the end, all plans lead you to meeting your baby so it’s all good, right???

That’s when the guilt starts – or it did for me. What if I had just held on a little longer, could I have made it without having started the induction process? Would he have come in his own time and still be healthy? Could I have made it without having to have the epidural and oxytocin? Did I somehow do unknown damage to my child by starting the induction process and having all those drugs?

I started back at work relatively early – he was only 7 weeks old – so enter in a new set of guilty worry statements. Did I go back too early? Will he be okay? If I don’t go back, will I lose clients? Will we be okay financially if I stay home longer? Will my husband be okay caring for the kid while I’m at work? I must be feeding him too much. I can’t be feeding him enough! What if I don’t pump enough to keep up with the demand while I’m gone? What if I pump too much and then I have nothing left for him while at home? I don’t want my kid to starve!!

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In the end, he will be okay. He will survive. I will survive. It will be a process to let go of the guilt and the worry of returning to work so early on, but we will be alright. It will be our new normal. He is my rainbow baby and I love him.

 

Melissa Beals is an RMT with Whole Therapy. Melissa works extensively with athletes of all levels with a goal in mind to increase their athletic performance through education and understanding of their bodies. See more about Melissa here.

Melissa