Time for a Diet Change

This diet thing isn’t working. It’s making me miserable, in fact.  Not in the overt, I’m-so-hungry-shoot-me-now way that it did last time.  This time it’s a slow and subtle road to misery.  I’m munch-y, not hungry, all the time. I don’t feel like my body is crazily burning fuel like before. It sucks.

In some ways I have more discipline than last time: when there are sweets and treats around, I seldom want any and can avoid them without having Trainer Jamie talk me off the ledge.  In others, I feel like I have so much less: breakfasting with the kids when there are pancakes or sausages or even fruit salad on the table makes me feel achy and empty that I can’t partake.

Part of me processes this information and thinks, Get a grip.  You can still hang out with the kids without eating sausages.  But the other part of me wonders, Well what are you doing this for, anyway?

And that part of me, the questioning side, got my attention this weekend.

What am I doing this show for?  I don’t know.  It started out as a way to push us all forward. Ana needed a driving force. Bailey wanted a new journey. I needed to focus and train hard.  But we are doing all of that. And I realize that the only part of this I’m dreading is the initial goal I set for myself of getting on stage.

Weird how that happens…

Getting on stage and doing a fitness show means that I’m focussed on the end result. I have tried to focus on the steps of the journey, but it’s legitimately stressing me out.  Do I simply not have what it takes anymore?

This weekend I decided to eat “whatever I wanted” within the calorie count that I was given.  I still aimed for the proper proteins, carbs, and fats, but I allowed myself to have yogurt, bread, popcorn with butter, and even a glass of wine.  I made sure I stuck with the right calories, and had tons of veggies and lean proteins and water as well.

And do you know what happened? Nothing.  The world didn’t end. I wasn’t bloated, or hungry, or stressed out, or hating myself. Amazing.

I had a great weekend with the kids and Husband Jamie, and I had no guilty feelings about show prep or anything.  I realized that I really, really like raw oats with yogurt and almonds.  I had forgotten!  I was also able to sit down with the family and eat what they ate; a very liberating and relaxing experience.

The tranquility in my mind was the best part, however.  I had given myself permission to eat “whatever,” and it was as if a huge weight was lifted; I realized that I had been really stressed without even knowing it.  Probably part of the reason my diet “wasn’t working”.

The strangest part was that giving myself permission to eat made the foods I shouldn’t eat less appealing, not more.  I didn’t want a huge piece of cake. Or ten sandwiches. Or chocolate. I just wanted to eat what I wanted to eat, and paying attention to my body while eating what I wanted led to eating when hungry, stopping when satisfied, and greater satisfaction overall.

So what now?  I’m not sure.  Without a stage to step on, new goals should be hashed out.  New plans laid.  I don’t operate well without a formula, and I know I need to make sure I keep tracking my food so that I don’t go overboard.

But in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my breakfast.  It’s going to be a good day.