Seeing Failure in a New Light

I’m healing this week, from a bit of a wounded pride.  I have tried and failed to do at least 4 fitness shows.  I did succeeded once, but in hindsight, I feel like I might have only succeeded at the hands of Trainer Jamie, who basically pulled me along and made decisions for me.  This time, with only me at the helm, I failed.

Or did I?

At the beginning of this fitness journey, I told the world my plans to keep me accountable and on an even keel.  And it worked, to some extent:  It helped to know there were people cheering me on.  But in the end, my decision to stop all of this made me feel both empowered and lost.  Was it the right thing to do?

Right or wrong, this humble-pie eating experience has taught me a few things:

Failing is really, really, normal.

Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed.  I’ve just found 10, 000 ways that won’t work.” My track record is one win for five “losses”, so I suppose I’m doing alright.  The wins in life are remarkable; failure is easy to come by.  If we just press on knowing that failure is inevitable, I feel like success might come faster.

Failing is really, really subjective.

“A failure,” says B.F. Skinner, “is not always a mistake. It may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances.  The real mistake is to stop trying.” Ah, there is my perspective: I did the best I could do, and I didn’t make the stage, but that doesn’t mean I failed.  In the eyes of others, I won: I whipped my body into excellent shape. I had dedication. I still want to stay in great shape and have dedication.  True failure here would be to throw in the towel, stop exercising, and eat a vat of ice cream.  Not happening.

Failing serves a higher purpose.

I’m not religious, nor am I superstitious.  But things happen for a reason, and maybe in the depths of our despair we are too short-sighted to see what those reasons are. “The season for failure is the best time for sowing the seeds of success.” – Paramahansa Yogananda.  We can learn a whole lot from a failure.  Once I started to dig myself out of my pity-hole, I saw that I had indeed been on the wrong track.  For me, sowing the seeds of success looks like developing better long-term eating habits and practicing self-love and self-acceptance.  Maybe the universe has bigger plans for me on this path.

So let me see how this sounds: I didn’t fail.  I won.

I have this body that is so awesome.  It works.  My body lifts heavy weights. It massages people.  It made a really amazing little person whom I love to bits.  My body does all of these things for me every day, and what did I do for it? I fed it boring food and berated it for not being perfect enough.

If I soften the light I’ve shone on myself, I might notice that I’m human, just like the rest of the world.  I look fine.  And why, honestly, do I care so much?  Maybe I should focus on the inside stuff more.  Maybe a little external disconnect would do my soul some good.

The journey continues.