Self Compassion: How To Find It & Why We Need It

Emotional resiliency. We now know that one of emotional resiliency’s most foundational elements is having learned self compassion as a child. A whole generation grew up with the drum beat of self-esteem. Parents, teachers, all preaching self-esteem. But that is a shaky pedestal to stand on. It depends entirely on what we think about what we have accomplished, comparing ourselves to other people and imagining how others perceive us.

So, what then is self compassion? In essence, it is the deep understanding that at every moment of our lives we have done the very best we knew how to at that time. Using the subconscious programs, experiences, knowledge, and perspectives that we had at each point. Accepting that is all any person can do, including ourselves. We tend to look back on our younger selves, thinking judgmentally that “I could have done that a lot better”. That is probably true now.  It is also true that we couldn’t then. We did not yet know how. If we had better programming and tools at the time, we would have used them. A big part of my work as a therapist is helping clients’ subconscious minds truly understand and accept these fundamental truths at the deepest levels. They affect every part of how we respond to life.

How do we find self compassion now?

A useful free tool is my Limiting Beliefs checklist. This gives an often eye-opening snapshot of the behind the scenes power of unexamined old self judgmental core beliefs and programs. Which may no longer be serving us well.  Without thinking about the answers, fill in the thirty-three statements from 0-10 as to how true each one feels, not how true you think it is. Knowledge is power. Once we can see harshness against ourselves, we can begin to heal it. Checklists are available at no charge on request from David@EcosysWellness.com.

Another powerful self-care resource is learning to “flip the script”. Decades ago, during a chaotic and painful time in my life, I had an epiphany while cross-country skiing in the dark. I fell over, and immediately, the negative tapes which had run in my head for as long as I could remember, kicked in. But this time was different.

I vividly remember thinking, “wait a minute, would I ever to talk to my friends or children this way? Of course not! Why am I talking to myself this way?”. I began watching out for the old scripts, viewing them through the lens of “would that judgement be fair for children, friends, family?” The more I flipped the program, the easier it became. Gradually I was changing my relationship with my self. Anyone can do it. It takes time, because these programs are first laid down in our subconscious minds long before we could think to question them. But it is well worth the time. As long as we are breathing, it’s never too late to become a compassionate mentor to our own inner child.

Knowledge and understanding are power. Enjoy.